As I'm sitting here in linen shorts, literally on the floor in front of my air conditioner, I'm thinking about the new job I'll be starting next week. I'm thinking about how I get to "start over" and re-create who I want to be. However, it's as soon as I get to that line, "how I want to be," that I start wondering, why am I always trying to create something new?
I can remember when I started at the hospital, how I wanted to be cool and smart, and how I wanted to nurses to like me. That charade honestly lasted about two weeks before I started showing my true colors. I found bookworms and nature lovers, people who wanted to sing out lyrics from RENT when the clinic lobby was empty.
I feel like once a month, or maybe every other month, I find myself looping back to this very thought process. I'll hit a high of loving myself, preaching over social media platforms, and then finding someone I love on instagram—an influencer or friend—and reevaluating who I want to be. I'm sure I have this very same template somewhere in a draft from a year ago. So maybe it's time for me to be honest and true with myself again. (Listen girl, when will you stop??)
Sure, I don't like the way I look all the time. I honestly spent twenty minutes taking photos with these lilac blooms, trying to make my cheeks look chiseled (even though I'm not wearing makeup so good try there!) and stretching out my turkey waddle (thanks dad!) so that in the end, I look like a girl who's got it all together.
I don't. Though I'm sure that's not really a surprise to anyone. I used to—and still do, though a bit less now—hate having anything other than a perfectly curated photo on the internet. When I was younger, I didn't seem to mind but then hey-oh! then came the early and mid-twenties and suddenly I'm the most vain creature to walk the planet. Thankfully, I have a fantastic family to knock me down a peg when I get too excited. (They do it out of love.) Okay, where was this thought going...
So! I haven't reached the point of being able to post full-length photos of myself on social sites. I'm not sure why. I just am. But I'm getting better. I know where my weaknesses are—boy howdy do I—but I'm working on letting my strengths outnumber them. I'm letting my smile lead the way, my kindness try to drown out my bitterness, and stopping myself from finding things to complain about. As a dear friend mentioned to me last week, these emotions are just a part of being human. I might never be 100% happy, but it's okay to be a solid 75%. It's ok to have bad days along with the good. It's perfectly beautifully wonderful to let the cracks show, to let those imperfections out.
I'm not sure where this blog post was originally going. I think it had something to do with the progress of how my hardwood floors are coming along. (Side bar, it's going pretty well. I'm about 60% done with ripping carpet. 50%? Maybe closer to 55%.)
I was just thinking about how silly I feel now after having a little photoshoot in front of my air conditioner, sitting on the floor, trying different angles and still choosing the same one I always do. (Lips, cheeks, slight smolder. Who am I kidding??) But then again, if social media isn't the place where we all get to show our best sides, then where is?
It's okay to be not completely comfortable showing all of yourself to the world. You don't owe anyone anything. But finding that honesty and truth with yourself is worth more than any amount of likes in the world. I might be just near the beginning of my journey, but I know that I'll get there soon